Ever since you came into our lives, we have been in love.
My heart warms with memories when I think of these three years which have gone by. That initial period of adjustment when we both got introduced to a new world. I enjoyed with you more as you started communicating and smiling.
You always smiled and chuckled so much. I loved it. I did everything to keep those chuckles coming. Yes, you used to lay there on your floor mat and your mamma would do funny things to entertain you. She was rewarded every time, without fail.
I guess, as we grow our concepts of negative emotions become sharper. Negative is a strong word, I wouldn’t use that for you but, I mean, there was a time when you would just cry and whine and make me so mad. I would feel so guilty at having shouted at you. I would cry more than you. With time I learned patience. Well! more patience than before 🙂
I think it was so much of a learning phase for me. It will always be. You see, I had been a super companion to all your cousins but, having a child of my own just opened my eyes to so many things that earlier, I was just unable to see. I was able to relate to other moms and their emotions. I was able to understand my mother in so many different ways that I cannot imagine to put it in words. I was able to know why grandparents can never be parents and why parents can never be grandparents. Their love and their responsibilities are different.
Buddy, don’t we love watching your “old” videos? I wish there were some of mine too 🙂 It would be so much fun to watch with you. Just like our stories which jump on and on in different directions. Our love for being silly and naughty and just full of energy. Remember, how we used to dance with you sitting cradled on my tummy and your tiny hands holding my neck tightly and we waltzed away to any music. I think we did that so many times, till mamma’s back seemed to be broken! 🙂
You started walking late but, you crawled almost as fast and you had two tricycles which were your way of getting anywhere you wanted. You just zoomed away being busy. I just remembered that look you have when you are busy. As if you are on a mission.
My darling, I realized slowly that you loved company. You loved being social and part of a group. That’s when playgroup happened. Here, I was hoping that you would take to school like fish to water because it was everything you needed, you wanted. Playing with friends, listening to music, jumping on the play ground but, boy! did you resist. My heart was getting so raw as I saw you bawl your eyes out the first few months.
During your venture into a big school, I had hoped that you would now be all right with your previous playgroup experience but, no. I soon realized that for you, you needed a sense of ownership. You needed to feel this is my school, these are my friends and this is my teacher. And today, I am so happy when you come home with your stories from school. I am proud of you. I hope you know that.
You see, I cannot stop talking about you. Most of my comments or general conversation would start or end with some memory of you! I felt this was not right! I corrected myself when I realized this.
How can someone just takeover your life like this! This shouldn’t be. It was a recipe for getting hurt.
And, I did. I did get hurt whenever you were hurt or you were sick or when you shouted at me, whenever you got into a fit of rage and behaved badly, whenever you took me for granted. Yes, especially me! Not your grandparents, not your dad, not anyone else. Just me! Just because I was your mom? I realized that I did this sometimes to my own mom too. I did not want to hurt.
At three, you were an independent little busybody. You had sharp ears for anything you should not hear, you had super intelligence to find out things that you need not know, you had a set of friends and you knew exactly how to take care of yourself AND your things. You had begun to grow up.
You seemed so much older when you comforted me in my sadness. In my moments of frustration, of anger, of fear, of sadness and self pity. You were there with me. Giving me a hug, giving me a smile and making me comfortable. Your reasoning was simple, why should I cry when you were there to take care of me.
You were so innocent and yet so smart. I asked myself, How could you be everything rolled into one? My child, my teacher, my friend, my comforter and my confidante?
Addicted to Love, to being a mom, to being hurt and feeling loved.
I do not know why you slept diagonally. I decided that the bed was enough only for two of you. Many times, I tried sleeping in another room and another bed. Spacious bed. It would mean a certain distance from you. Maybe my heart would hurt less when the time comes, if I didn’t care about every little thing happening to you.
It was of no use. I did creep back in after struggling a little with myself. I missed you snuggling up to me in your sleep, I missed caressing you as I looked upon you as you slept, I missed adjusting your blanket every time you kicked it away and I missed searching for that one mosquito that buzzed around your head!
Have you realized by now, what had happened to me? I was addicted to love.
I will hurt when you will leave me but, there will be sweetness in this hurt because you would have become your very own individual.
My little butterfly, I promise you, I will never hold you back.
Just remember that, when you come upon sadness, grief and regret, Mamma will always be there for you. These are lessons. Learn them and fly, run, jump ahead of them.
My love for you will bloom every time when you touch success in your phases of life. And you will touch, feel and absorb success because you are the most amazing being in my life and I will not allow you to fail.
Happy valentine day my little valentine.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,